Saturday, July 28, 2007

The Stranger

Well, little miss Helena had her two-month appointment with the pediatrician last Friday. She's up to 23.5" in length now, and she weighed in at 10 pounds, 13 ounces. She was a sweet, friendly little sprite through the entire appointment, right up until the nurse held her legs down and jabbed her with three different needles.

I think it was harder for her father and I to see her crying so hard (we've never seen her that distraught), although I'm sure it was no picnic for her, either. She slept through most of last weekend, and didn't eat much as a result of the vaccinations. But now she's back to normal, although our sweet little peanut has been sleeping through the night for about the last week.

Oddly enough, it feels like Dad & I are getting less sleep than ever. :-\

I've been back at work for three full weeks now, and it's so difficult. So much more difficult than I anticipated. I come home at lunch to pump and see her for a few minutes, but I don't really get a chance to bond with her. I've taken to nursing her exclusively in the evenings, as long as circumstances permit, but I still feel like she's closer to her Dad than she is to me. Not that I begrudge him a bond with our daughter, but I feel this biological imperative to keep her close to me, to connect with her, and it feels like I'm denying this vital part of myself by leaving her every day.

When I come home in the evenings, her smiles are all for her Dad, as they should be... he's the one that feeds her all day, changes her diapers, plays with her, and meets all of her needs. By the time I get home, why should she try to connect with me, when she's been relying on Daddy all day? She only sees me for a few hours before she falls asleep, and when she does fall asleep, she'll only do so as long as she's in Dad's arms.

I don't blame either of them - I just envy that they get to connect, and I feel like an interloper.